When Mr Death comes knocking

Sometimes my heart doesn't feel like the human organ indicating life - more like the organ at a human funeral. Sometimes my heart doesn't feel like the carefree child with a jump in her step - more like a bleak graveyard pregnant with dead bodies. Pregnant with frozen memories. Pregnant with buried emotions. Sometimes my heart doesn't feel like the vehicle for an identity to grow - more like an unfound unidentified pregnant corpse. Pregnant with life giving sacrifices. Pregnant with unrequited love. Sometimes my heart drowns me, murders me with too much passion, too much compassion, too much life.

I am weighed down and down and down, much deeper than six feet. I am weighed down and down and down until i cant breath anymore. I am weighed down and down and down until i am woken by a knock on the door. The knocking gets louder. I get up. The knocking gets louder, but its never impatient and its only louder because i am at the door now. I open up. It is Mr Death. And as i stand there blinded by light coming from behind Mr Death, i realise, Mr Death has just brought me out of my own darkness.

I don't feel heavy, down and grave anymore. I thank Mr Death from the bottom of my now feather light heart. He doesn't say anything back. He only hands me an envelope. It is a picture of the Tarot's Hanged Man - a card talking about surrender - to surrender to all that which weighs you down. And not fight it. To surrender to dark rivers drowning your understanding. And just go with the flow. To surrender to solitary landscapes of not feeling understood. And let life throw whatever it wants to throw at you. It doesn't matter. You are not phased. To surrender to hear Mr Death knocking again. And see the blinding light shining again coming from behind him. To surrender. And feel nothing. To surrender. And finally become empty of yourself. Because only when you feel nothing, and only when you are empty of all these heart matters, can you see and feel the wonder, magic and ecstasy of everything.

Absence makes the heart gain wonder

When you are obsessed with something or someone. When you love a certain film or person. You want nothing else. You just want to taste, see or listen to that special something. You just want to be in that special someone's company. You don't want that song or film to stop. You dont want that plate or glass to go empty. You dont want that amazing person to leave. You want nothing else.

Or so you think. Until the glass goes empty, the plate is clear, the film ends, the song stops, or your favourite person leaves, and you have time to think... As time goes by - for some it may be minutes, for some it may be hours, for others it may be days - time begins to reveal itself as a prolific teacher. A teacher showing you why you like that glass of wine, that film or that person so much. A teacher showing you why it may be good not to have your favourite things or be with your favourite people all the time. A teacher showing you the hidden gift of absence. Because in that time and in that space removed from your favourite something or someone- in that absence - you get to rediscover the original reason for your wonder, awe and adoration of your favourite something or someone.

And when you realise why you like what you like so much. And when you realise why you love whom you love so much, you will be filled with wonder, awe and adoration. The same kind of wonder( if not more) as the wonder you experienced the first time you saw that film, heard that song, tasted that wine. The same kind of wonder( if not more) as the wonder you experienced the first time you met the one you love. You will be greatful for absence. You will be humbled by absence. You will have a much deeper respect for absence. But most of all, your heart will have grown fonder, and you will have gained wonder.

what if perfection isn't magical

we fail more than we succeed. or so we think. because often it might just be better for our own good if we fail. if we don't get that fast car we wanted. if we dont make the front of the newspaper. if the relationship we so badly wanted to work doesnt work out. or even better - if we get what we want only to realise how insignificant that achievement, that goal, that prize, that recognition, that "perfection" actually is.

"success" and "perfection" isn't always magical. but failure can be. for it can transform you to love yourself in spite of your "imperfections"... it can show you to next time choose wisely in looking for a companion...it can create compassion, empathy and understanding for others who have "failed" just like you...it can surprise you with a feeling we all long for, brotherhood, community...it can enchant you with new friendships, new family...it can transport you back to your roots, to your true home...it can crown you with a quality mastered by few, humility.

learn from your stories of "failure" and you will rewrite your script...look beyond the the veil of "imperfections" and behold, the reveal of the sacred you...open up to the gospel of "failure" and you will welcome a heaven on earth...

When Lady Grace comes to visit

When Lady Grace comes to visit, you must count yourself very lucky. When Lady Grace comes to visit, your surroundings, for those few precious moments, will be transformed. When Lady Grace comes to visit, it will be an encounter you wont forget.

When Lady Grace comes to visit, your room will light up. Not from her rarely seen radiance but from her sweet subtle presence. Her divine kindness being there. In your company.

When Lady Grace comes to visit, she will always be a pleasant surprise. When Lady Grace comes to visit, she will always be a breath of fresh air. When Lady Grace comes to visit, she will always appear out of the blue. Just like an unexpected gift. A gift you receive not because its your birthday or Christmas or your wedding anniversary. A gift you receive without any reason.

When Lady Grace comes to visit, you will feel like you don't deserve it. When Lady Grace comes to visit, you will feel extremely honoured, priveledged and special. When Lady Grace comes to visit you will be humbled by a delicate, gentle and overflowing kindness.

When Lady Grace comes to visit you will be speechless. When Lady Grace comes to visit you will be full of wonder. For you will know what love is but you wont be able to put words to your bliss. When Lady Grace comes to visit... all will be magical...